Red carpet for Home Owners only.

And so it begins.

Once you’ve signed that rental agreement, you’re nobody. They’ve got you now. They don’t care about the moving process, what’s working and what’s not, what’s on and what’s off, electricity, gas, plumbing.

You work it out.

You’re problem now.

We have more important people to spend our time with. Like home owners who provide most of our income.

Commission based no doubt.

“I don’t know if the electricity at the property is on or off.”

Well brilliant. Will you find out or shall we continue to guess things?

“I don’t know if I want to pay the bond anymore.”

“I don’t know if I want to maintain the lawn.”

Sadly for me, the guessing game doesn’t work. I’d get evicted if I didn’t pay it.

Anyways, just one more reason life is unfair.

I hope there some nice property managers out there who like to help people. Rather then just sip on martini’s from their private Olympic sized pools while their butler brushes their hair.

I know you’re not getting any additional money for helping but how about warm fuzzy feelings obtained from being a genuine human being.

I feel like I’m not asking much. Just acknowledge the tenant. Make our lives easier because you can. It shouldn’t take a pay check to be a decent human being.

Rant over.

And apologies to the nice property managers. Or Manager. Singular.

Also, where are you and can you be my landlord?

Let the wars begin

I just filled up my tank for $36.

Turns out instability in the wake of COVID-19 has sparked an oil price war between major suppliers Saudi Arabia and Russia. The disagreement began over questions around a supply response given dwindling global demand.

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So my question.

Which countries have to have a disagreement for us to get cheap wi-fi? Or for alcohol prices to drop?

Or how about coffee? If South America get mad at Africa, can I get a latte for $2?

Just wondering.

I do hope they resolve it. But in the meantime I know my dog appreciates the extended car trips.

Sco Mo is not a creep. Your followers are.

We’ve all heard about this COVID-19 app the Government is urging Australians to download. And we’ve all heard from those who are hesitating.

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“It’s an invasion of privacy.”

“There is no security.”

“It’s scary the Government will know my whereabouts.”

Yes, you say this. But let’s be honest. It’s highly likely you have about 40 apps on your phone currently. Of those, there would be location services switched on (hello, Uber and Tinder) and there would be personal data you’ve inputted. There’s apps which require your bank details, hobbies, heart rate, occupation, height, interests, marital status…heck women will even tell our phones when we are menstruating. This info is all stored on apps which share the data to who knows.

And then there’s Social Media, where we’ve got hundreds, even thousands of “friends.” Never mind you’ve never met these people, yet why not post photos of your exact location – with or without a top on – as well as the status of your unborn child.

If anyone is going to know where you are, probably best that it is the Government. And I highly doubt Scott Morrison is sitting in his office in Parliament House tracking individual Australians locations for the sake of…what?

Exactly.

Also, I feel like they should make all phone carriers provide free storage upgrades so we can get the app. Especially considering 80 per cent of the world are using Tik Tok.

 

 

Scrubs for days

I know it’s considered good hygiene to give your hands a thorough wash after you’ve been to the bathroom.  But sometimes, there are women I’ve seen in public washrooms who will really really scrub. I’m talking, at the sink for a good five minutes, lathering from fingertip to the elbow and really rubbing the soap in.

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When I see this, there are three questions I’m thinking.

  1. What exactly were they doing in the bathroom?
  2. Where on, (or in…cringe) their body were they wiping exactly?
  3. How dirty can a person be down there?

But seriously. Was there some sort of explosion or exchange of fluids all the other women in the restroom somehow missed?

Anyways. Some questions are best unanswered.

So I don’t ask, because I think these are a good example of that.

Folau strikes again

No doubt you’ve all heard by now about Israel Folau’s comments – linking Australia’s bushfires to same sex marriage and abortion.

The former rugby star claims the country’s recent natural disasters are an act of God, who is punishing us for same sex marriage and abortion.

So let’s get this straight Israel.

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You think God has thought “Hmm, it’s not ok for two people who love each other to have a wedding.” BUSHFIRE. GO!

Yet when there are serial killers out there and terrorists, God has just let those acts slide?

Right. Ok then. You think what you like, and we’ll think what we like.

But perhaps you should think what you like just to yourself and not in front of cameras.

Because you sound like an idiot.

 

Hitler’s ex??

On last night’s Bachelor, contestant Chelsie introduced Matt to her family. When he left the room, she went on about how great he was.

Her exact words “He lets me talk.”

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It’s secret Chelsie had her heart broken in the past. She’s brought it up enough times, but was she dating a dictator?

Honey, you can talk when you like. All men let women talk. How else would arguments start? And divorces happen?

 

Another single spiel

It’s 2019. A standard conversation now sounds like this:

“I’m single,” says a lovely woman.

“Are you on any dating sites?” says the baffled married since high school friend.

“Yes.

“That’s why I’m single.”

Just saying. They come along with this question like it’s going to resolve everything.

“Just jump onto eHarmony and have a cuppa with a man who’s already got three children to three ex-wives, is a recovering alcoholic and lives in a van.

And claims their occupation is – Mr. Awesome at Legoland.

Because if that’s a real job, where do I apply? Why can’t it be Mrs. Awesome? #metoo

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If I’m being honest…this is a little bit sexy. Too bad about the kids and the alcohol thing.

Do you coupled up folk know whats out there? It aint pretty. It aint marriageable. We are actually after more than weight lifters and tattoos. Shocking, but true.

And more annoying, is these men on the sites make a point of stating their height and follow it with “because apparently that’s a thing.” As if we – women- are the shallow ones. Are you freaking kidding me?

You don’t care what we do, who our family is, where we grew up or what our aspirations are. But suddenly you’re hurt that we prefer a man who can reach the top shelf at the supermarket and reach the cartons of milk at the back with the most prolonged expiry date.

I thought we were the ones with vaginas.

Just need a clean floor

I miss the  days where you could purchase a gadget or appliance, and just put it on. Or plug it in and push the on button. And it would begin working straight away.

You never had throw it on charge for 19 hours.

You never had to download an app to activate it.

You never had to work out which button was item C from diagram 12. Or which brush was to be used for the winter months.

And you never had to create an account. For a bloody vacuum cleaner.

And when you come up with a user ID and password, there are terms for a minimum of 9 letters, with at least 2 numbers and a capital and 3 other symbols. For “security.”

Because everyone is trying to hack into the account I’ve created to sync my remote control to my TV.

Once you’ve verified you are not a robot, you have to watch series of videos before commencing to use anything too.

Life was so much easier when there was only one purpose of any appliance.

Today, if you want a watch, you get a heart rate tracker, mp3 player and more all in one.

If you want a fridge, you get an ice maker, water canister, moisture balance crisper and probably Netflix.

I mean, you gotta set aside half a day just to workout how to connect your new toaster to wi-fi so you can have some crumpets.

And how many accounts will we end up having for all these appliances? Which come with emails to update with the latest and greatest. It always includes a new feature.

“Samsung LG5677 now available with wireless antennae and strobe lighting,”

I bought my TV to watch TV. Not to host a disco.

A wireless antennae would be pretty cool actually. If it doesn’t already exist I’m sure it will soon.

An overlooked solution

There has been a lot of abortion debating throughout the media over the week. Whether it’s criminal, how to act on it, what’s allowed, what’s not allowed, what’s humane etc.

So may options have been aired surrounding the issue which is all too delicate and precious for most. It seems to be an emotional time for everyone involved as experiences come into play too.

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My solution, one that has yet to be suggested…

Practice safe sex.

Not hard. Not expensive. Not evasive (to a degree.)

Genius. Let’s start today Australia!

Post proudly sponsored by Ansell – “Get your six-pack today so people with signs stop taking days off work to chase you down the street.”

 

Drug suppliers got no imagination

Heard the latest? Border security officers in Sydney celebrated Christmas in July after  identifying 15 snow globes filled with liquid methamphetamine in a shipment from Canada yesterday.

The snow globes were being used to smuggle a total of 7.5 litres of meth worth nearly $1 million.

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I mean, snow globes. Really? Show a bit of creativity people. Its a visible white powder.

Border Security weren’t born yesterday.

Schapelle didn’t bring in her cannabis through as fish tank props and she still got caught.

That toupee guy at least covered his pound of cocaine with pretend hair. It wasn’t encased in  transparent glass.

Show a bit of creativity. Thats all.

Or actually. Don’t do drugs. Get a job. Plenty of legal ones available.

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