The blame game

Just to clarify, specifically to the media.

Australia’s State leaders didn’t release COVID-19 upon their residents. Nor did they initiate the surges.

So don’t interview them like they did.

They also are not happy about re-visiting restrictions and putting hundreds of thousands of people out of work.

So don’t interview them like they are.

We are all in this together.

#aussieaussieaussie

Starving or precious??

It’s not news that most of Victoria is in lockdown. While I can’t imagine the frustration, it seems residents are starving with the lack of notice they’ve been given.

Bit drastic don’t we think?

Surely the second surge announcements splashed all over the media for the past week has been an indicator? TV, Digital and Print. #noexcuses unless your Helen Keller.

Or how about the panic buying resuming, with limits in place once again at major supermarkets? That made it a bit obvious, no?

Apparently it’s the ones who didn’t panic buy who have been forced into lockdown. Because the one’s that did should be well off no doubt with enough toilet paper to cover a family of five to eat the worlds spiciest curry for days.

I just think perhaps these claims which are implying human rights violations are a tad exaggerated. By ‘starving’ I wonder if its more so that the milk has expired and they’ve had to have dry cereal for breakfast with black coffee. Or heaven forbid skip breakfast before indulging in a camembert and turkey sandwich on sourdough for lunch. On a dining table with perhaps a porcelain vase of some sort as the centrepiece.

Or perhaps, perhaps, they are being honest and making statements like “Yea we got told today just as I was emptied the milk into my pancake batter”, which a media representative has transcribed as “we are starving.”

Perhaps it’s the media that’s starving.

Tutorial 3: Sex Appeal

Is there something in the Barista training 101 manual that states they must be tall and dark with a surprisingly sexy moustache? Perhaps right after the part that teaches them how to be adoringly friendly with the ability to make anyone, they’ve grinded beans for feel like the most important person in the world.

To the point, you think you’ve got a shot, if you’re a woman or a man. That’s how good they are.

Smiling barista holding a coffee cup

Or is it just me?

I also feel like barista’s are the only ones who can totally own the mo. Other men can easily be described as creepy. But throw a denim apron, coffee machine and carton of milk in front of him and he’s Chris Hemsworth.

I wonder if it legitimately is in the manual, so it minimises unnecessary complaints. I’d think twice about asking for some extra milk in my coffee when the cup is half full of froth for the sake of not inconveniencing the tall attractive male. Especially if I think I’ve got a shot. Don’t want to appear to be high-maintenance now do I.

But more so, I’m talking the complaints where they really are not problems at all, but drinkers feel entitled to raise an issue to maintain some sort of coffee snob image. Or to highlight they have switched to a dairy-free milk.

“Is this on almond?” she says, as she takes a glance at her Lorna Jane dressed girlfriend to see if she is paying attention.

She’s not. She’s hash-tagging #lifeiscoffe #blessed #lovinglife #activemondays #cameltoeundies #husbandischeatingonme

Ok, those last couple of hash tags are not likely. But sometimes a lonely bitter blogger who hates men has got to throw her two cents in.

No one listens anyway, unless it’s on Twitter.

Off-leash etiquette

It’s amazing the variations of people you’ll come across at an off-leash dog beach these days. It’s come to the point where when a child asks “Is he friendly?” that it’s directed at the owner of the dog or dogs. 

I’m not even kidding. So, a few things for other people to consider when they are at a dog beach. With or without a dog.

Firstly, of all the hundreds of kilometres of stretch of sand across the entire coast, I’d estimate about 8 per cent of it is an off-leash dog area. 8 per cent. 8. If you don’t want to be approached by friendly dogs, perhaps go sunbake or picnic on the other 92 per cent. Don’t go yelling at owners when a daschund jumps across your face or a retriever dives into your hot chips. Both these things have happened to me and while the owner is apologetic, all I can do is laugh and respond with “I’m the one at a dog beach. Really, it’s ok.” 

Secondly, don’t take your dog to an off-leash dog beach if you don’t want it to socialise. Take it for a walk elsewhere. I’ve been yelled at plenty if times when Oats tries to play with other dogs, despite the fact they’re getting along great. Oats doesn’t bark, bite or steal toys. He just chases and licks. “Is this one yours? Can he get away? Call him. Get him away from me.”

It’s a border collie. Not a crocodile.

It’s just so strange how reactions are so unpredictable. I threw a ball which landed about 2 metres in front of a middle-aged couple without a dog and while I apologetically raise my hand, they proceeded to snap at me. I’m sorry I don’t play for the Diamonds. We can’t all aim perfectly.

And, never mind the massive air show they caught when Oats leaped 3 metres into the sky to catch the ball on the fall. A move he’s performed many times before in front of others who have been amazed and applauded. After all, it’s moments like these which can make a person’s day!

So, next time you attend an off-leash dog beach, be mindful of other people and other paws, and just enjoy it! And if you can’t do that, then consider leaving us happy dog owners alone on our 8 per cent and go take a stroll on the other 92 per cent.

Fuel to the fire

People people people. All this pressure still mounting on Queensland’s Premiere to open the borders. 

Rookies.

Fact; Annastacia Palaszczuk (hurrah, spelt it correctly) is a female

If you keep asking and pressuring her to open the borders, its only a bigger reason not to. 

Also, I do think it would be brilliantly hilarious if she commenced each press conference from now with, “Good morning everyone. It’s a beautiful day here in Sunny Queensland. How lucky we are to live in such a beautiful part of the country.”

Come on Annastacia. You know you want to.

Don’t hate us because we’re beautiful

Queensland.

“Open the borders,” all the other states say.

“Let us in,” they demand.

“We’ve opened ours, you open yours.”

“It’s not fair.”

Hold up folks. Firstly, no one asked you to open your borders.

However, Thank You. For opening your borders.

We are so happy we can now cross over to your regions, so nice and icy this time of year, full of zero theme parks, rocky beaches, dark waters, grey skies and tiny motels.

We are so happy you’ve agreed to share these features with us.

Before you go hating on Ms Palashack or however you spell it (relax. I don’t have to know. I’m no longer a journalist), perhaps consider the fact that if Queensland opens for business, everyone comes. From NSW, WA, SA, VIC, TAS…. EVERYONE.

Whereas when NSW opened for business, ain’t no corona ridden folks running in from interstate to holiday there this time of year. Am I right?

So close your borders on us if you like. Watch us not be phased at all if you decide to lock out Queenslanders only from your state. No skin of our nose.

Side note. I actually do want the borders to open so I can see my family and our tourism flourishes. Especially on the Sunshine Coast. But I just thought this was a valid argument not yet been raised by anyone.

Drinking and distancing

As COVID restrictions are easing up around the country, each state is setting their own rules, stages and boundaries which is fair enough. 

In South Australia, restaurants and cafés can seat 10 people in their venues. And serve them food and drink, obviously. 

But. They are not allowed to serve alcohol.

Why?

Because apparently, there are concerns regarding one’s ability to social distance while under the influence.

First of all, did we forget all these restaurants and café’s are licensed to serve alcohol. In other words, capable of identifying when someone is smashed, and therefore cutting them off accordingly – and with glee and satisfaction in my experience behind a bar. 

And second. Are SA are basically admitting drunk people are too handsy? Because I’m not sure they should be able to have alcohol ever, if it’s likely to result in appropriate touching.

Are they saying it’s ok to touch a stranger when you get maggot and lose your senses, as long as there is no chance of contracting a virus?

Hmmm. Ok then.

A classified disaster

You may all already know this, but I’ve only heard it for the first time. And if you didn’t know, brace yourself for some very unnatural and inhumane behaviour.

Apparently some bloke in Germany killed a man and ate him. Legit. 

It wasn’t a stranger- at the time of the death anyways. They had been together for five years and met when the edible one answered a personal ad in the paper.

Thing is, this advertisement in the newspaper literally read “well-built 18- to 30-year-old to be slaughtered and then consumed.”

Wasn’t there a classified taking employee who wondered if this perhaps shouldn’t be printed?

How did that not get flagged? What was the ad below it?

Lover eater.

And why did this man respond to it? What are the chances someone could be so crazy to make such a request, yet alone have someone even crazier respond to it. With eagerness no doubt.

Almost makes me wonder whether its worth placing an ad which reads “Male or female of any age with one million dollars to hand over all their money and then walk away.”

Too bad the one bloke crazy enough to respond to such a request was eaten.

Take off at Coles

Advice for the single ladies…

Thanks to COVID-19, thousands of people are out of their regular work and into new roles – whatever they can get basically.

Which means, there are Pilots stacking shelves at Coles.

Which means, it’s time to delete Tinder, if you haven’t already after your last virtual date ended by slamming your laptop shut and finishing that bottle of wine with The Notebook wondering why a Noah is yet to appear on our iPhones.

Back to my point. Pilots are stacking shelves at Coles. Single and sexy no doubt, and vulnerable in mourning their recent stand-down. So perhaps throw some lippy on when you go out for eggs next. And be especially chatty and flirtatious when enquiring about a product. From 1.5 meters of course.

Actually, even if he’s not a pilot, he’s probably still better than anyone on any dating app.