It’s 2019. A standard conversation now sounds like this:

“I’m single,” says a lovely woman.

“Are you on any dating sites?” says the baffled married since high school friend.

“Yes.

“That’s why I’m single.”

Just saying. They come along with this question like it’s going to resolve everything.

“Just jump onto eHarmony and have a cuppa with a man who’s already got three children to three ex-wives, is a recovering alcoholic and lives in a van.

And claims their occupation is – Mr. Awesome at Legoland.

Because if that’s a real job, where do I apply? Why can’t it be Mrs. Awesome? #metoo

Do you coupled up folk know whats out there? It aint pretty. It aint marriageable. We are actually after more than weight lifters and tattoos. Shocking, but true.

And more annoying, is these men on the sites make a point of stating their height and follow it with “because apparently that’s a thing.” As if we – women- are the shallow ones. Are you freaking kidding me?

You don’t care what we do, who our family is, where we grew up or what our aspirations are. But suddenly you’re hurt that we prefer a man who can reach the top shelf at the supermarket and reach the cartons of milk at the back with the most prolonged expiry date.

I thought we were the ones with vaginas.

I miss the  days where you could purchase a gadget or appliance, and just put it on. Or plug it in and push the on button. And it would begin working straight away.

You never had throw it on charge for 19 hours.

You never had to download an app to activate it.

You never had to work out which button was item C from diagram 12. Or which brush was to be used for the winter months.

And you never had to create an account. For a bloody vacuum cleaner.

And when you come up with a user ID and password, there are terms for a minimum of 9 letters, with at least 2 numbers and a capital and 3 other symbols. For “security.”

Because everyone is trying to hack into the account I’ve created to sync my remote control to my TV.

Once you’ve verified you are not a robot, you have to watch series of videos before commencing to use anything too.

Life was so much easier when there was only one purpose of any appliance.

Today, if you want a watch, you get a heart rate tracker, mp3 player and more all in one.

If you want a fridge, you get an ice maker, water canister, moisture balance crisper and probably Netflix.

I mean, you gotta set aside half a day just to workout how to connect your new toaster to wi-fi so you can have some crumpets.

And how many accounts will we end up having for all these appliances? Which come with emails to update with the latest and greatest. It always includes a new feature.

“Samsung LG5677 now available with wireless antennae and strobe lighting,”

I bought my TV to watch TV. Not to host a disco.

A wireless antennae would be pretty cool actually. If it doesn’t already exist I’m sure it will soon.

There has been a lot of abortion debating throughout the media over the week. Whether it’s criminal, how to act on it, what’s allowed, what’s not allowed, what’s humane etc.

So may options have been aired surrounding the issue which is all too delicate and precious for most. It seems to be an emotional time for everyone involved as experiences come into play too.

My solution, one that has yet to be suggested…

Practice safe sex.

Not hard. Not expensive. Not evasive (to a degree.)

Genius. Let’s start today Australia!

Post proudly sponsored by Ansell – “Get your six-pack today so people with signs stop taking days off work to chase you down the street.”