Be civil not criminal

There have been a lot of riots in Melbourne over the homeless people lining themselves along Flinders street station, smack bang in the middle of the city.

What a co-incidence that this comes at a time when all of Melbourne will be inundated with football fans from all Australia for Grand Final Weekend.

Basically, the people who wear the pants for the city want them gone and police are cracking down on them under Council orders because they want to ‘clean up the streets.’

That’s not cleaning up the streets. Cleaning up the streets is putting some more bins out, or spraying ajax on the kerbs.

How about tackling homelessness idiots. Get to the source of the problem. There is a reason they are all sleeping on the streets and if it can be helped, then it should be.

Stop putting reputation and financial gain above welfare.
Talk to these people like human beings and help them change their lives.

Did the government forget the whole reason for making money for the country? It’s for the people of the country! The people you are allowing to live on the streets and happy to shuffle around like they are a swarm of bees.

You can’t just knock on someone’s door and tell them to up find somewhere to live without giving them an alternate option or a darn good reason.

And they say they don’t want tourists being asked for money from the beggars, but is it fair to just kick them out of the city and expect them to make a living asking a mother of six for money in a suburban playground?

The city is where the money makers are at. And good on them for hitting up the tourists because if they can afford to holiday in Melbourne, they must be on some good coin.

Time for another switcharoo

After landing in the top eight for the NRL and coming in as the underdogs, the North Queensland Cowboys have made it to the Grand Final.

Their poor supporters however seem to be stuck in Townsville, unless they are willing to take out a second mortgage for the sake of seeing a second potential premiership for the team in three years.

Needless to say, the appearance of the supporters could also be what gets the Cowboys over the line, making the crowd at the stadium 50/50 as opposed to 90 per cent Storm fans. 

Return flights will set back most latecomers more than $1100 that could have been booked for $300 two months ago.

State LNP Leader Tim Nicholls however has called on airlines to treat fans fairly and said diehard North Queensland Cowboys fans should absolutely not be used as cash cows by airlines looking to make a quick buck.

“It is totally unacceptable and un-Australian for airlines to start price gouging North Queensland Cowboys fans simply because their team made the grand final,” this leader says.

I don’t know who this man is but he should be our Prime Minister.

If the Libs are planning on pulling another one of their overnight Prime Minister swapsies, now would be a good time to do it.

Go Cowboys.

When the banks tell porcupies

Commonwealth Bank, Westpac, ANZ and NAB all announced on Sunday the unpopular $2 fee to take money out of a competitor’s ATM would be abolished due to its unpopularity.

Did they actually expect it to be popular?

Ain’t nobody instagramming selfies at the ATM with #lovepayingmore #extrafeesarethebest

This is what generally happens when something is popular, hence social media being inundated with avocado, yoga, squats and babies.

Don’t give us that ‘its unpopular’ line. We all know they are being abolished because people would rather walk an extra km to their bank’s ATM or take money out at when they get their groceries.

Or hello…..PAYPASS. Fee free and pretty much available everywhere. 

Welcome to 2017 Commonwealth Bank, Westpac, ANZ and NAB.
Bathrooms are to the left, leave your coats at the door. Enjoy your stay. 
You’ll need the bathrooms for all your bullshit. 

A killer room

A prisoner was murdered at the jail up here, by another inmate.

Which poses the question….

Where do they put a prisoner that’s killed a prisoner?

I guess if anything, they would put him in solitary confinement.

So basically some poor inmate gets killed so this guy can get his own room?

But also, when there’s a murder there’s a motive. So what could this guy possibly have done, from prison to justify being killed?

Did he take the last donut? Maybe he snores? Or perhaps he’s hidden the remote. 

An extreme reaction in any case, but I guess the killer had nothing to lose. 

Except his cell mate.


Selective multitasking

It’s quiet often, at the cinema that you’ll be queueing up for several minutes before you get to the counter to grab a ticket and your snacks.

What I don’t understand is why people don’t use that time to decide what they want to snack on, or even see in some cases.

In a world where we are now capable of texting while having breakfast, brushing your child’s hair while discussing their new science project, you would think that multi tasking is just a natural thing for the entire world (ok wait…for women. Just women.)

So why don’t people use that time that they are queuing up and there are literally giant screens displaying the movies and the times, and the array of snacks are in front of their indecisive faces, to decide what they are seeing and what they they want to snack on?


What else are they doing in the queue? Texting most likely, because apparently they prefer to waste the snack bar attendant’s and other cinema goers time then their own.

And the other thing, is when they are faced with the decision of what to drink, they will ask “What are my options?”

What do they think there will be other then coke, diet coke, etc.

Are they expecting Kombacha on tap nowadays? Or some sort of new soft drink that has just emerged?

Then, they can’t leave without muttering about the price of the snacks. Like it’s the attendants fault, and she was the one that walked in on her first shift and said, “Lets charge $6 for a bottle of water!”

When there are people like this to tolerate, it’s no wonder people prefer to download movies and stay home. Although how on earth they decide what movie to download when they can’t even decide when it’s literally on several huge plasmas, a few feet from their face is beyond me.



Big decisions

Why is it that you ask someone to marry you, and regardless of the answer, it’s pretty much instant 99 per cent of the time.

Ask someone if they want steamed or fried rice and it’s like Sophie’s Choice.


I guess if you say yes and change your mind, you generally have plenty of time to jump in with a no before the wedding. Or even at it to be honest, if along the way something eats your heart.

Whereas with the rice, once it’s served, you have to re-order if you change your mind, which will cost you a few minutes and maybe like $6.

Yea ok. Now I get it.

Addicted to winning

A woman is suing the makers of a pokie machine because apparently it’s rigged.

If its ‘rigged’, don’t play it.

I feel like the only reason she believes it is rigged is because she lost money. Doesn’t she know what gambling is?

Don’t try to place blame on other factors because of your addiction. If there’s to be any blame here, its the people who have the power to ban the machines, yet have not done so (*cough* Malcolm Turnbull)

And why would they? They are making millions of dollars from people like this woman. If your on to something good, and people are into it, why stop there?

The truth is, the gaming rooms all over the country are holding every hotel in Australia afloat. 

Well, that and the $19 pints. And the $31 schnitzels.

Ok, and me. I’m a sucker for happy hour.

This woman is also moaning about the years she wasted in gaming rooms, yet she continues to waste time now trying to sue the makers of the machines.

She had an addiction. You don’t see alcoholics suing Smirnoff for introducing double blacks. The alcohol content is on the bottle, just as the odds of winning in a gaming room are pretty much splattered all over the place.

When did adults become children? If you put $5 into a toy and you never see it again, even a child would know to stop.

And yes I get it, its a mental illness and an addiction and can easily spiral out of control but at the end of the day, the ‘rigged’ machine is the last thing you should be blaming.


Shut. Up.

I was catching up on bachelor re-runs and came across something that really annoyed me during home visits.

Matty was meeting Tara’s family, when her brother (I didn’t catch his name, but for the sake of this article and my anger towards him, I’m calling him Mr Wanker) decided to throw some pretty rough comments at Matty, along the lines of;

“Why haven’t you just gone to a bar, and met a nice girl and found someone that way?

“Why can’t you just do that? Why would you come on this show and do it this way, when you can just meet someone so easily by going up and approaching anyone.”



Mate, this is how Matty could get laid, not married. And for a chick, it’s how you get a free drink and a hangover, and possibly pregnant and definitely not to Mr Right.


I’d guess Mr Wanker found someone at the age of 15 who is apparently is the only person out there for him, even though there would have been many other possibilities and he may have never come across true love, because he may not even know what it is. All he knows is that girl he met in science class when he was 15 had perky tits, looked good in a mini skirt and is willing to have his kids. Mr Wanker settled for Miss Popularity (Mrs Wanker after the wedding) because it was comfortable. Matty is not about to do this, and good on him!


Seriously, if it was as easy as walking into a bar and walking out with the love of your life…. this guy knows nothing!


What bars is he going to? Can I come please?

Try being single at 30 Mr Wanker. If I walked into a bar, anyone I make eye contact with is married, after sex, thirsty or with vagina.

No one goes to a bar to find their soul mate.

Idiot. Wanker. Stick to what you know.

Shut. Up.

Go get em Matty.



General admission all the way

I don’t understand people that get seats at a concert.

What are they looking at from their chairs? 70 per cent of them are that far back that whatever is on stage resembles any clip from the movie Ants.

What do they do that whole time in tiny seats while live music is being played in front of them by professionals?

It’s not like a bar where you sit and drink and gossip with others. You can barely hear a sneeze at any concert, and the drinks selection is the worlds driest champagne, warm cider or light beer.

How can they just sit there drinking their warm champagne and watching Ants in a minuscule seat that they probably have to stand up every 3 minutes for to let others through?

And if that’s not enough, they actually pay anywhere between $70-$200 dollars for this.



Don’t they know what dancing is?


Don’t they know what spotify is? If you just want to listen, it’s a lot less hassle to download an app, or buy a CD. Expect when your phone won’t recognise your damn thumb print to approve the download, or you scratch your CD, or don’t own a CD player. Even these problems are much more easily overcome then…. you ready for this??

Dressing up, getting public transport or a cab, (or an Uber, but if your thumb print didn’t work for spotify, you won’t be downloading the Uber app either), queueing up to get through the doors, skulling your water that security believes may be chemically spiked to blow up the stage, as the security guard learns what size tampons you wear going through your purse, then having to pee after skulling your water and queuing up again to pee. Then you hit the bar another queue and $50 later, your queuing up again with plastic cups of warm champagne, to finally get to your chair after making a row of unimpressed people stand, to sit down and realise you can’t even see the stage and your drink is now empty.

My, what a great night out. (*insert emoji with half smirk-sarcastic face here)

They would have been better off getting a DVD and staying on their comfy couch, without queues and parking hassles and a bottle of cab sav.

Sounds like a pretty simple way to make a couple of hundred bucks if you ask me.

And option two: Dance. Like nobody’s watching. Because nobody is. That’s why they are at the concert.

Why pay $200 to watch others jump up and down when coldplay are metres away from you blasting out ‘Fix You’.

Just dance. Life advice at it’s best right there. #yourwelcome


Ok. Enough now Mr Tomic 

Is this guy for real? Does he actually understand the words coming out of his mouth?

Bernard… you need to sack your PR team. Although it’s not like it’s a huge waste of money for you. More of a ‘peanuts’ expenditure.

But what is he thinking when he is openly saying these things to reporters?

Is he a child?

I know he works hard for his money, and good on him for throwing a party. I’m sad I missed it to be honest.

But of all the things he could have said to justify the event.

“I just wanted to do something fun with my friends with the money I had earned”

“I just for paid for my US Open appearance and wanted to head out without being recognised”

But no. He chooses to basically boast that he has nothing better to do with his millions then buy booze and hire out clubs.

Bernard, do you know what charity is? Do you know what family is? Do you know what investing is?

Because there’s a few options for you. 

Buy a house. It’s not quite peanuts, closer to a bag of macadamias perhaps.

Oh and maybe just stop talking.