Burka madness

The burka…to ban or not to ban. If people want to wear a burka, just let them.

There is no way of tracking the ban anyways. Whats to stop me from wrapping a sheet around my head, so it replicates a burka but is actually just a girl with a sheet on her head?

“I’m just a ghost,” I would argue.


Or ET perhaps….

But seriously, what would happen? I get fined for wearing a costume?

Would a police officer actually stop someone in the street and ask them whats on their head?

“Excuse me Miss, are you Muslim or ET?”

The whole concept of it is to keep their heads covered right? So if it is banned, they can actually dress up in costume to cover their heads can’t they?

Does this still fall in line with their beliefs? It doesn’t necessarily have to be a burka does it? 

So it doesn’t have to be sheet either I guess. It could be a superhero. Or a giant panda.

Or Darth Vader, or corn on the cob.
 

 

This would be brilliant. Imagine the streets being filled with fancy dress attire, wandering around in and out of offices, ordering coffee and lunching.

Suddenly I would want to visit a mosque just to see the array of characters inside, praying all together.

It would be like Comicon all year round. 

And suddenly… Im wondering whether they should actually ban the burka so I can get away with going to work dressed as a minion. 

Just what you always wanted 

Next time you go on a trip and forget to get someone a gift… Brissy airport has got you covered.


“I spent two weeks on the Gold Coast and here’s your gift baby…

“I got you the jackaroo mix and a low carb mix for your parents.”

Switch the sign Brisbane.

I think the reason they went with “Gift Food” was because they couldn’t find a sign for “Really expensive handful of peanuts with one or two macadamias in each bag to demolish while your queueing up to board”

Nice try. But even tourists aren’t that dumb.

Although I bought a bag. And it didn’t even make it to my seat. 

Maybe if I was sitting at the front of the plane it would have lasted.

I think I ran out somewhere around 5F.

Should have saved the whole bag for a gift for my sister upon return. 

Or just bought her a Fitbit with the same amount of money. 

Bachelorettes all confused

So…The Bachelor. Do you notice that at the start, like from the very first cocktail party, the women all claim that Matty B is their perfect match, and they can see themselves falling in love with him, and he is everything they ever wanted and they’re just meant to be together and he is the one they have been waiting for all their life.

1496106532980.jpg

YOU JUST MET. They get all that from saying hello, a hand shake and a peck on the cheek.

If that’s all it takes, how are these women still single?

Surely they have been greeted by a man before?

Now that women are being eliminated, they have been doing brief TV interviews because lets be honest, thats why they came on to the show. For a role on TV and home and away, and then to wait for channel 10 to come up with some other reality TV show that is advertised 600 times a day, airs for the first time on a Sunday night at 7:30 and then gets put on a Tuesday night at 11:30 the next week because ratings are low.

Newsflash: Australia actually wants a qualified host, not an aspiring bimbo who looks good in a bikini and heels.

But more to the point, on these interviews they always get asked “Are you sad you didn’t get a rose? Did you like Matty?”

And they always respond “Ohhh, well I didn’t really know him. We only saw the guy once a week. We had one five minute conversation. So it’s ok that I left the show.”

1502334056174.jpg

My how things turn around quickly.

Another one of those situations where I feel sympathy for males, with women’s crazy mood swings.

Can you imagine if Matty B gets to the end, picks ‘The One” and she turns around and says “I don’t actually really know you well enough to be in a relationship Matty.”

Or “I’m actually looking for someone more career focused.”

Because if that was the case, how could they ever bring that up throughout the show anyways?

Surely there must be something about the guy that is a deal breaker for one or more of the women.

But they would not dare sacrifice their opportunity to be one of Irene’s foster kids on the next season of Home and Away.

That Irene…always picks the attractive ones to re-home doesn’t she. Saucy minx.

More Bachelor posts:

Bullies be gone

The Bachelor begins

Little to the imagination

 

 

 

A fashionable shower

I came across a Peter Alexander shower cap online today that cost $35.95.


I mean, I know Peter Alexander is a good brand and I’m happy to fork out a few extra bucks for a great set of PJ’s. 

But a shower cap. Seriously. I mean… that’s a Friday Frenzy airfare between Adelaide and Melbourne. 

If I forked out that much money for a shower cap, I wouldn’t want to get it wet. Which defeats the purpose.

Who even compliments or notices a shower cap?

And who has that much money to fork out just so that there are pretty patterns on their head while they are scrubbing their bush.

Like, it’s on your head. You can’t even see it yourself.

Just tie your hair up in a bun. Unless your literally showering under a waterfall you should be right.

The poor kid who asks for an icecream and mum says no because she splurged on an accessory that does the same thing a rubber band can achieve.

I think this mum would be the kind of person who would call the council to complain about and Ice cream van playing music down their street. 

Maybe sell the cap on eBay and use the $$$ to stop the van and buy your daughter a sherbet soft serve. 

Crying over a tune

Ok Aussies.

Enoughs enough. As if our first world problems weren’t dumb enough, this one has topped them all.

Residents are actually complaining that an icecream van plays the music too loud, and have gone to council to shut it up.


Because it must be so hard when they get out of their Egyptian cotton sheets bed, and have to crack their own eggs for their benedict breakfast, followed by a warm shower and then having to get into a car and drive all the way to a job where people wear shoes and are earning $$$ rather then cents. 

So much problems, heaven forbid among this hectic morning you have to tolerate music coming down your street.

It’s not like it’s the theme from Saw either. Or death metal. Or Justin Beiber. It’s a nice melody.

If you want to stop the noise just get an icecream. Don’t actually go above the van operator as if they are breaking the law.

Bouncers be bouncers

Did you hear the one about the Danish prince who tried to walk into a bar and was refused entry because he had no ID?

This is brilliant. 

http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/queensland/brisbane-traffic/denmarks-crown-prince-frederik-turned-away-from-brisbane-hotel-report-20170821-gy188l.html


What’s better then the bouncers not even knowing who he was, is that once they realised they still refused him entry because actually had no ID.

Because if they let him in, it would have been an invitation to all royal look alikes to get into any bar or club or casino they wanted to, with no ID and regardless of age.

But can we say we are even surprised that the bouncers didn’t know who he was?

Most bouncers wouldn’t even recognise Prince Harry, yet alone any other European royal.

It’s like a 2 week course to become one, and other then that I feel like it would just entail a series of alternate leg and shoulder days which doesn’t require a high school finish yet alone any other qualification.

Why on earth would someone like this happen to know who the Prince of Denmark? The only time he would even say Denmark is if he said “you check their ID den mark it down on the sheet once you let them in.”

We all know bouncers only recognise two types of people. Hot chicks and relatives. And these are the only people they would ever let in without ID, regardless of age or intoxication status or how they are dressed. 

I’m telling you now, if the prince had returned with fake boobs, heels, shaved legs and blonde hair extensions he wouldn’t have had a problem.

It’s a match. Not a gold medal.

So for those of you who are not familiar with Tinder, and found love in high school or soon after and have been happily married ever since and have no doubt told the world through all aspects of social media seven times a day how in love they are with their life, just so you know, on the app when you get match with someone, a notification pops up that literally says “Congratulations! You have a match!”

I don’t know that the congratulations is necessary.

When you have men posting topless selfies and describing themselves as “great in bed” and others who just upload pictures with shotguns and dead deer and are already unattractive, I don’t think it’s a great achievement to be matched with them.

And that’s just to name a few….


Congratulations are not in order. Apologies however may be.

Even if I am 32. I think they should change the notification alert for the ages.

So for someone in their 20’s it would say “This guy thinks your hot and wants to hook up. Now.”

And in your 40’s it would say “It’s not too late! Somebody is interested!”

In your 50’s it might be “Have you tried eharmony or RSVP?”

And in your 60’s “Someone else knows how to use an iPhone”

I think they should save the ‘Congratulations’ remark for those in their 70’s.

It could say “Congratulations! We have found a penis that still works!”

The 30’s should say “We found someone who doesn’t care that you share the bed with your dog”

IMG_0247

 

Probably why I’m still single. In my defence, my pup makes me laugh, has never let me down, loves the beach and actually gets out of bed in the morning.

Breath could do with some freshening and he eats all my chips but I can live with that.

A long search ahead

Did Charlene on the bachelor really just say upon exit she was searching for a man who was into pugs, martial arts and performing in musical theatre?


Honey… no wonder your still single.

My only requirements are tall and funny and I’m still on my hunt. 

So maybe broaden the search a little. 

I mean ok, I know I am actually searching for a little more then talk and funny but my other requirements aren’t being able to sing on stage or upper cut a random or join a pug club.

I’d like to think that living out of home and having a job isn’t too difficult. 

But hey… I’m still searching too.

Poor Matty J

Poor Matty.

First he gets crushed by the Bachelorette, and now channel 10 have set him up with strippers.

Those budget cuts must have affected their vetting procedures.

He seemed pretty annoyed about the whole situation, because the girls had not come and told him about their pasts.


To be fair though…when were they supposed to tell him? Both girls had not had much one on one time with Matty, and neither had a single date either.

Matty was just so mad at them for not coming to him about it, yet he barely made time for either of the two women. 

So really, what are they supposed to do? Blurt it out at a cocktail party?

“Does anyone else want a martini? I used to be a stripper.”

Or just interrupt him when he was with another girl to randomly tell him that many  years ago they danced for money? 

And who cares of they stripped. It’s a perfectly legal job. I’m sure the other girls have done things in their pasts to get ahead in aspects of life when they were faced with an easy option. 

Good on them for using what they had to get a little further in life, financially I’m talking. Not relationship wise obviously.

It’s the men who urge them on who are the idiots. Blowing $50 for a five minute lap dance. 

There are so many better things I could do with $50 in five minutes. 

But side note: Leah had to go. So if that’s what did it then I should stop complaining because that woman was a terrible person. 

Attention Mr Zuckerberg

Depression rates are super high nowadays. It’s a world wide thing and it’s really sad that it’s affecting so many people, who you would least expect it to hit.

I think a lot can be attributed to social media because it’s the one factor that has become consistent in everyones lives and is almost impossible to live without now.

Years ago, there were no phones at work, no social media at work and now it’s almost a necessity for all jobs to have both accessible to you at all times.

I can’t do my job without Facebook or my phone and many others are in the same situation.

Just going on to Facebook to track down a contact for a 24/7 plumbing service, I have to open my feed first and be reminded that 367 out of my 675 friends (Or lets be honest, people who I did a three hour paddle boarding course four years ago with, or my high school house captain who once handed me a medal) are either travelling the world, married with kids, just engaged or running their own business.

dating-before-getting-engaged.jpg

And while thats ok for me to see, because I’m happy with my lifestyle (most of the time. I do get sad when I run out of Nutella. And when The Good Wife stopped airing.) this can’t be great for everyone else, especially those who are depressed because of these reasons.

So I think that from now on, when you go into Facebook, there should be a pop up alert that asks how you are feeling and allows you to exclude certain images and posts from your news feed for that day.

b167daf90564c4bdfff319c7cbb16a01.jpg

Because, like I said, Im always happy but there are days that I don’t want to be reminded that some of my besties are up to their third baby, or what my ex is having for breakfast with his new girlfriend, or how many kms my hairdresser ran that morning

There could be a checklist that you select from depending on your mood perhaps.

For example….

Please select what you would like to exclude today:

  • Family photos
  • New babies
  • European Vacations
  • Smoothie images
  • Attention seeking statuses (e.g. Stacey Miller is sad today)
  • Hashtags with #bestlife #lovemylife #mylifeisamazing
  • Pre-drink or nightclub bathroom selfies
  • Gym selfies (Zac Efron exempt)
  • Engagement announcements

Come to think of it. It could even say ‘Exclude today, or exclude everyday’ because I know I could live without never having to see or comment on an attention seeking status.

If this checklist actually ever happens though, I’m certain my daily newsfeed would just consist of my sisters seinfeld scenes uploads and you tube music tracks and probably just other people’s dog photos.

Not a bad situation if you ask me.