Break up woes

Does anyone break up face to face anymore?

The thought of it just mortifies me.

The sad thing is, I’m not talking long term relationships. I’m talking after that first coffee once you’ve been set up my mutual friends, or Tinder.

When I’m finishing up on a date, it always seems to end for me with a “well this was fun let’s do it again,” and my response is always “yes sure thing sounds great.”

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Regardless of whether or not I’ve discovered on the date that he wears nail polish, or that he has cats. Plural. Not that it’s ok if there is only one. In fact, just any cat comment will pretty much result in ending my husband hunt. I swear those things were meant to set up camp on Jupiter or some other planet and the spaceship they came in on took a wrong turn. I think that vegans were also on this spaceship.

Anyways, back to my post about blowing of these manicured cat loving males.

I’m not going to fire back with,”Actually, what I’m looking for is love and I’m pretty sure that the minute your cigarettes fell out of your back pocket, I knew I wasn’t finding it today.”

There is no way you can say that to someone in a text let alone to their face. Well, I couldn’t. Could you?

And then there’s the other option, to blow them off without being honest. But even that would be hard to do face to face.

“Actually, I don’t think we should catch up again because I’m moving to Beijing tomorrow.

No doubt he will ask why I didn’t open with that. And I can’t exactly respond with “Because I thought we could get married one day but then you rocked up with a Tin Tin fanny pack and then you’re mum rang and asked you what shirts you needed ironed for work and to top it off, you responded with you’re Captain America one”

I wonder if he would buy “Well on my way here I literally got a call from the Beijing Times and they came across my article in the Townsville Bulletin (must be regular subscribers) about bats taking over the botanic gardens and they have offered me a position that comes with an airfare, two bedroom apartment, a dog sitter and sushi.”

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It’s just always going to be a yes for the next drink because I cannot bear to see their face drop. And not because I’d say yes to anything if there’s a drink involved, but because it gives me time to come up with some sort of way to make it clear to him that I don’t want to see him again, and in doing so by text I don’t have to see his face.

I feel like I’m running out of time now, because surely with all these damn technological advancements, sooner or later we will be texting through verbal video and the receiver’s expressions will be recorded upon opening the text, and then sent back to the sender.

Please Mr Apple and Mr Samsung don’t ever invent this.

Or at least give me another five years or so.

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