Our precious pollies

Today’s politicians sure do a lot of talking and promising. 

“Better health,” this and “Better education” that and “Greenhouse emissions,” this….


Do they know that it’s everyone over 18 that votes? Not just people who are married with kids, or people who are retired or people who are vegans.

And to be honest, the vegans would all be voting for the greens. 

They won’t be voting Labor or Liberal because they will get shunned from their vegan tribes and closed ‘we love life’ Facebook group. 

And those who are older, and married picked their preferred party in 1997.

People stick to what that know, and new promises are not going to make them sway.

What you want to be doing is getting the new voters, because once you have them, they are yours for life.

Try promising a National price drop on smashed avocado, or unlimited wifi in every city, or free cross fit memberships for every Australian citizen.


That’s how you win an election.

Nobody who has just turned 18 cares if they can save an extra $6 every time they go to the doctor. Or where their electricity is sourced from.

They live at home and they get sick once a year.

But they do have smashed avocado daily, after a work out at cross fit, before jumping on line to tell everyone about it.

Or better yet…just check your calendar and legalise gay marriage already. Prime Minister for life guaranteed right there. Until your fellow peers decide to throw someone else in, with their own decisions that they think it’s ok to make on behalf of all of Australia.

I should have been an election campaign manager.

I still can I guess. Mr Turnbull, you know where to find me. You are the government. Send your men and I’ll take $200,000 per annum.

And a tall, funny member of parliament who likes dogs and the North Queensland climate, and is willing to move for love.

Ok me. For me.

 

Trump be trumping

Media today are making claims about all these people that President Trump has fired over his time in office.

Didn’t anyone ever watch the apprentice?

What did you expect?


Ain’t gonna get nowhere with low performing people.

If anyone knows this it’s President Trump.

If he’s fired dozens of celebrities on national TV I don’t think he’s going to hold back off camera.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…

Dear America,

You put him there.

Regards, 

All of earth.

So don’t be moaning about your President. It’s like devouring 6 Bic Macs and then whinging about being fat.

Accept the consequences of your decisions.

Bullies be gone 

I’ve discovered why there is no “bachelor kids’ series. 

It’s because the current series is actually Bachelor kids.

Seriously.


These women are such bullies. They are just really really mean, and in a childish way.

I’m talking huddle in a corner and whisper pretty damn loudly about other contestant’s and also literally yelling out nasty comments to each other in random outbursts, with the bachelor present.

At least a mean adult would have the common sense to be more discreet. Text your thoughts, use an emoji or have a private bitch behind closed doors. Not in front of the camera, or the man you are all ‘in love’ with.

It made me really sad, because in reality, these sort of people exist across so many contexts and while it may appear to be harmless on the show, it’s people and acts like this that drive others to depression, self harm and suicide.

I just don’t understand how someone can behave this way, knowing how much their actions are affecting another person.

You are intentionally making someone else sad.

Don’t these bitches know what it’s like to be sad? Why would the ever force that emotion on another human being?

A very rare serious post from justlaughlots.

Sorry readers. Won’t happen again.


To end in humour, the other reason the show is filled with children is this ‘secret garden’ that is new to the show, which allows Matty to take a woman out to this special place for one on one time.

They could have just said there was one on one opportunities to be had. I mean the women aren’t smart, but I think they could have grasped the concept without giving it a special name.

That is definitely the kind of language you would use to bribe an eight year old.

“If you finish your broccoli, I’ll take you to a ‘secret garden’ Jess”

It’s a BO mystery

I don’t understand how people who have terrible BO don’t realise it.

Do they also have blocked noses?

Because there are some really bad cases out there. I’m talking, we can smell it from the next room, or from any seat on the bus, or from any treadmill at the gym.

If the person next to you can smell it, then why can’t you?

It’s like when people spray perfume. They can smell it on themselves. And when people fart, and can smell it themselves.

So why don’t they do something?

It’s just such a yucky thing for other people to have to experience. At least farts only smell for a minute or so. But BO stays.

And generally when you fart, you realise and smell it and slowly remove yourself from the group if people around you.

People with BO don’t ever back away from a conversation.

How can the people themselves stand it? No one ever loved the smell of BO. And it is so distinct it cannot be mistaken for anything else.

When it’s so bad that it can me smelt by so many people, they MUST know surely. So why don’t they do something?

Showers aren’t difficult. Deodorant isn’t expensive.


I was on the bus today and someone came and sat behind me and their odour was terrible. I actually felt really sick from it.

I didn’t want to be rude, so I just leaned forward as much as I could, until I was basically tasting the hair of the person seated in front of me.

My guess would have been a pomegranate and mango shampoo.

It was better then BO but I decided to give up being polite and just up and move, because it wasn’t like I would ever see this person again, and besides, there could be a number of reasons for moving seats.

Maybe I didn’t like the taste of the person in front of me’s hair (doubtful. Everyone likes a pomegranate.)

But I turned around before I was about to get up and got a bit scared because the smelly man looked capable of murder.

Not that it’s heard of to find people slain after criticising others for bad BO. But I didn’t want to take any chances so I stayed in my seat.

And two stops later I just couldn’t handle it anymore, and figured I would just have to fight him off if he tried to kill me.

Just…. people need to stop and smell themselves every now and then. That’s all I’m saying.

It shouldn’t be slip slop slap, it should be stop, sniff, spray.

And I don’t know why it’s ever described as bad BO. There is no good BO. There is not even average BO. BO is a terrible thing.

There should be no classification.

It’s like saying that man on the bus was a bad murderer.

There are no good murderers.

Only smelly ones.

Even prison has showers, so best he end up in jail anyways with some pomegranate and mango shampoo using cell mates.

 

 

The Bachelor begins

Dear Bachelorette’s,

It’s ok to just tell Matty what you do for a living.


He will still believe you regardless of whether you demonstate it or not.

It’s not going to be “So what do you do?”

“I’m a rhythmic gymnast”

“Show me.”

Regards,

All the viewers who have now envisioned single women doing rhythmic gymnastics, body painting, making arrests, making jewellery and love coaching.

Leave Stefanovic alone

Today host Karl Stefanovic has been slammed over making ‘sexist’ comments about channel 9’s Ninja Warrior.

He suggested that the competition should use different courses for men and women.

For more info, click here.

I’ve just learnt that not only is it the same course for both sexes, but also for the actual competition. So a man and woman are expected to have the same feats of strength in order to win the course.

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I don’t think he was out of line here.

It’s fact. Men are stronger then women. It’s genetics. And it’s not a bad thing, it’s just the way life is.

No one ever says “I need a few young women to come over and help me move house,”

Because the way our bodies are built, Men have things that women don’t and women have things that men don’t.

Ladies need to accept that and move on. Men don’t crack the shits that they can’t grow babies inside them. Because they know it is just a physical thing.

They don’t crack the shits that they can’t menstruate. They might want to. It’s a pain in the ass but hey, we get out of work, sex (ok… not so much a use here for men) and plenty of other stuff with this little excuse. Every women has said the ‘c ‘work to a male boss to spend the afternoon at the beach. I am referring to cramps here, not the other c word. Throwing the other c word at the boss would result in a lot more time then just an afternoon to spend at the beach.

But really, what do women want? We can’t be all like ‘Oh..I need a big strong man to come move my sofa out of the spare room,’ and ‘can you carry my groceries in dear?’ then suddenly decide it’s sexist when a TV host suggests differentiating a physical strength and endurance competition between sexes.

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If people disagree with Karl, then they are basically saying that men and women should also play in the same tennis competition. Or hell… we may as well open up the ninja warrior challenge to kids. And dogs.

Calm down women. He is not sexist. He is just stating the facts.

Little to the imagination

It hasn’t even started yet, but I’m so pumped for this years Bachelor.

Already the news is in about some of the contestants.

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Today it’s all about how one bachelorette did not know how much flesh she was revealing in her opening night dress.

This is the article.

Is she kidding? “I didn’t realise how revealing it was,” she says.

I think when the producers said ‘take your underwear off’ that should have been an indicator.

Or maybe you could have realised when you thought you were just handed a coat hanger to wear because you couldn’t see the transparent dress hanging off it.

And we all know what a mirror is.

I would have much more respect for her is she just said ‘I’m hot. I had 11 other girls to compete with and I wanted to stand out and leave little to the imagination,’ because that she did.

And that’s fair enough. Although I think we could have figured out just fine that she had a kick ass body if she rocked up in a potato sack.

There’s another way to stand out darling.

I think whats happened here is that she is searching for a short cut to land a role on home and away.

And what better way to do that then to show them what you’ve got.

And what you don’t got….pubic hair.

Masterchef ends 

I can’t help but wonder if after seeing last nights epic 6 hour pressure test challenge Ben and Diana might have contemplated splitting the $250,000 and heading to the pub instead.

Or Mexico.

And did anyone else wonder whether Ben was 7 when he had his eldest daughter?

Bachelorette to actress

This just in: former bachelorette Sam Frost has landed a role in Home and Away.


There’s a lot of slamming going on with people claiming that she is taking away an opportunity for trained actors to be on the show.

It’s Home and Away. Not NCIS.

I don’t think any of the actors on Home and Away are trained.

Settle down. 

She’s not taking any opportunities away from anyone, expect the next Miss Australia who needs something to do between now and her next runway gig.

It’s the directors and casting crew that are taking opportunities away from Australia’s trained actresses by continuing to recruit based on looks.

They’ve made a role for Sam Frost who’s resume consists of recieving and handing out roses for 2 years followed by an unsuccessful attempt at radio.

In all honesty I actually love the girl and wish her all the best. 

People just need to calm down and realise that if Sam Frost is taking opportunities from trained actors then so are the rest of the crew on home and away.


Expect maybe Alf. And Irene. And Johnny Ruffo. He is just divine.

Kisses for a cuppa

Yesterday was the first day since my move to North Queensland that I did not buy a coffee.

This made me realise I’ve spent $100 on coffee in the last month.


Thats $1200 a year, for a cuppa. And it’s not going to stop.

I spent a whole year out in the country in SA and was denied good coffee for the entire time so I’m still enjoying all the options I have up here.

This morning when I grabbed my usual latte from the usual tall and funny barista, I wondered if he was single.

Because if we were dating, surely he wouldn’t charge me for coffee?

And then I realised that if we consummated the relationship…well it would be borderline prostitution.

$1200 a year it is.