Police service??

I just got a call from the cops, because they were doing follow up calls on the processes that were in place regarding their service.

Are you kidding?

There are crimes being committed as we speak and your calling people who were pulled over four months ago for speeding to see if the cop was friendly?

And just how honest are people going to be about this? I can’t imagine you would give a raving review about someone who cost you a few hundred bucks and six demerits.

It’s like asking someone on death row if the guard served them their last meal with a smile.


I see it more as an opportunity for payback to be honest. I doubt that people are going to report back that their experience was amazing and that they will continue to spend their $$$ and demerits with SAPOL.

“Oh yes, he was lovely to me. I look forward to my next offence.”

Pretty sure it would be more like….

“Actually, he was very rude, he yelled at me for breaking the law and he didn’t even thank me for pulling over when instructed.”

Soooo bottom line here is…. the cops are wasting their own time. They would be much better off hiding in bushes and catching people out on their phones. Or quite frankly sitting at a bar and waiting for people to finish up their ninth pint before stumbling out of the pub and getting behind the wheel.




Poor 5TCB

So the Tatiara Council have shut down our local community station 5TCB for a grant for $750 to replace a dodgy mic they have in the studio.

This is ridiculous. The whole thing. It’s $750. The community station is just that, it’s for the community. They applied for a community grant. No one else did. And in comparison to what other groups ask for, $750 is a tiny amount.

They distribute grants anywhere between $10,000-$40,000 usually.

It’s a long story, but the council are bitter assholes who just cannot let go that many many years ago they had to fork out some additional funding to the station after it went into debt.



Never mind, that that was like 7 years ago. Never mind that the station has re-built and re-formed itself to become a great asset to the entire community, not just in the Tatiara, but the whole of South East Australia.

So. My suggestion to the station manager. I had two for her:

  1. Make all the announcers (who are volunteers might I add) literally crackle into the microphones like every 10 minutes or so, and then apologise for the bad sound quality, but the mics are just old and need to be replaced.
  2. Go to the next council event, jump out in front of the lecture when they have their morning tea, grab their perfectly working mic and leg it.

I like option 2. That’ll teach them to spend a million dollars updating their offices that were already in pristine condition, and then shutting down the radio station.

And might I add, they listen to the station, in their newly furbished offices that probably have digital wireless unlimited speakers from the ceiling to the floor.

Today I learnt….

Today I learnt not to GIF and walk after I was almost taken out by a truck because I actually strolled in front of it.



Pretty sure it’s more dangerous then drink walking.

Police will be on to it soon no doubt. Could you imagine the next ad campaign?



“Walk and GIF: You won’t see that cliff”

“Wanted to make my friend laugh: Car sliced me in half”

“It was funny at the time: Now it’s a crime”

“I was looking for the funniest one: Now I won’t ever run”

Ok. You get the gist.




Thin girls are pretend?

This morning on the morning show they were chatting to a woman who had made up her own clothing label. The host went on to say that the best thing about it was that she used ‘real women’ as models rather then skinny women.

Since when were thin girls pretend?

They are still human. They have feelings. They walk, they talk, they work and they play. Just because they may not eat, does not mean they are not real.

We wouldn’t go around calling paralyzed people pretend, just because they can’t walk. And could you imagine if anyone on live TV actually did? They would get shot!

Don’t get me wrong. I think there are some extremely thin girls advertising things that do not look healthy at all and it’s not great for other women to be aspiring to this.

“Pretend women”: Yea cos if you look closely you can see the glue holding her head to her neck. 

But, the sad thing is, that society demands it. And thats YOU! Thats all of us. You wouldn’t look twice at a pair of jeans that was being modeled by a size 14 woman. But if it’s a size 8, suddenly they are the best things ever and you have three different colours and a hat and three shirts on the way because you didn’t want to pay for shipping.

These models work their asses off to look like they do, and although it may not be an ideal career path for all of us, it does not mean that it’s not a job and that they deserve to be treated like terrorists (as do journalists apparently.)

Good on them for following their dreams. I can’t say I would enjoy that particular career path, but hey each to their own.

It’s the same as the politicians. Anyone can be a model. Anyone can be a politician. But who wants to spend years at law school and then hours a day in surrounded by suits and bad coffee. And who wants to spend hours at the gym and then satisfy their hunger with lettuce and a pea.

Bottom line: We have brought on the obsession with body image and we have taken it upon ourselves to punish those people who have worked their asses off to respond to our criticism and demands.

I’m not a terrorist

Why do people always run or remain silent when they come across a journalist?

We are not all bad people.

Seriously. It’s like jumping into karate stance just because you see a woman in a berka.

They don’t all want death to America, and we don’t all want to tell lies to the world (yet alone Bordertown that has a population of 2700).

We are not all bad people. And to be honest, if I was going to tell lies or stir anyone’s pot, I’m pretty sure I would have better people to do that to then a relief teacher an an early childhood education centre, or a librarian.

Besides, what has everyone got to hide?

Calm the eff down people.


Ladies and Gentlemen…wear sunscreen.

I don’t get white people.

And I mean that in the most non-racist way possible, because technically I guess I’m white. But I also have middle eastern background, which means my skin goes dark as in the sun, and I guess I don’t burn or turn bright red like plenty of other Aussies.

(It also means I get ‘randomly’ bomb searched whilst traveling.)

So for me, sunscreen has never been an issue. I actually don’t think I’ve ever purchased a bottle in my life.

But, for all you other whiteies who enjoy being outdoors, or are aware you are going to be outdoors, and the sun is out, I just don’t understand why you come without sunscreen.

It’s not that you forget it because you always arrive and the first thing you will say is ‘Should have brought sunscreen’


‘Or, you say ‘I’m going to get really sun burnt,’


Hello, the sun is not a new thing. Your whitneness is not a new thing.

And it was pretty darn obvious when you left your house (unless you are living underground, so that chic from the movie ‘The Room’ is exempt here. But only her. Unless there is a reader out there who is also being held captive in someone else’s made up dungeon. In which case, i’m impressed that you get internet access. As well as reception underground…)

I don’t know what this is. But white people should.

So why don’t you bring sunscreen?! And then you arrive and it’s the first thing you realise, yet you do NOTHING about it, but bitch and moan to others that you are getting really burnt and you are going to be so sore tomorrow and I’m sorry but searching for shade on a jettyless beach is like searching for sunscreen in my house.

So please, ladies and gentlemen, like the song says, WEAR SUNSCREEN. Or keep your mouth shut and cop the burn.


Why do people do this…

Why do people return your call, after you have left a voice mail and then begin the conversation by telling you exactly what you said to them in your voicemail?

“Yea, hi Jess. It’s Jake here returning your call. You left me a voice mail that said you wanted me to call you so that we could confirm the date for our summary on the rubber duck race that happened at Cocky lake on Sunday so that you could….blah blah blah”



Hello…. I’m Jess. I left the voicemail. I know what it said. I know why I rang.

In case your interested, the rubber duck race is an actual event. Click here  if you don’t believe me.



And the other one I wonder about, it why people still answer with ‘hello?’ rather then ‘Hey Jake’. Because its 2017, and 9 times out of 10 we know exactly who is calling us. Yet people still feel the urge to answer as if they are unaware of who the caller is.

And the caller always begins the conversation with who they are. One of these days I’m going to respond to a ‘hello?’ with ‘What the eff Michelle. Are you using a vintage rotary phone? I’m your sister. How do you not have my number saved.’



Because we all know that the caller ID says exactly who they are and exactly what we think of them (if your like me and you have ‘Howard-dickface’ as a contact or ‘Peter-sexy’).

I hope Peter calls me tonight.

Or Henry the Truffle Farmer. Still miss that guy.


Pollies…why everyone so mean to you?

This one may be a long one.

It was all over the news today that politicians can retire at age 55 and their pension is like crazy high, allowing them to live in complete luxury, basically forever.

So. Here’s what I think.

Obviously, the majority of people are like,’What the eff. How is that fair? Most of them are only politicians for about six years even. Other people work their asses off all their lives and what are our perks? We get to retire (maybe…) around 65-70 and live off around $20,000 a year and maggi noodles (this would be ok with me). Not cool Australian Government money distribution people. Not cool.’


Life is unfair. It’s the perks of the job. Yes, they retire 10 years early and earn thousands more but hello, this is not new information.

What about the perks of all the other jobs? Flight attendants and pilots basically travel for free, Disneyland employees probably ride the Matterhorn daily without queuing up, retailers get huge discounts of their own stock, Farmers get free oats and grains…..

But more importantly, anyone can be a Politician. If you want to retire at 55 and live in hotels and limos for the remainder of your life then be one.Airport-Limo-transfer-for-Las-Vegas-McCarran-Airport.jpg

We are fortunate enough today to live in a society where high school scores are just a number and an excuse to win school DUX (what does this even mean or stand for??)

Anyone can achieve anything. Online learning, external universities, skype workshops, planes, trains and automobiles people!

Stop complaining about the perks of being a Politician and become one!

And whats more… people look at the criteria that may require a law degree, internships, owning practices, community service, financial knowledge, etc.

And they go, ok nah. I can’t be bothered with all that. So it’s only fair that the people that can be bothered spending years at university and working their asses off get some perks on the job.

Plus, did we forget….POLITICS IS SO BORING! Why would you want to sit in a room of tuxed up, balding and opinionated people arguing about whether medicare should introduce an additional levy for patients with no dependents when there are others out on the beach teaching people how to surf, or at a zoo feeding giraffes.

And also, if a politician goes out, he’s going to some fancy schmancy high class restaurant where your in heels and a cocktail dress drinking a $26 martini before idling over some minute portion of truffle coated lobster parfait and engaging in small talk, probably about the medicare levy.

If a surf instructor or a giraffe feeder (I know this is probably not actually a job btw, but for the case of my argument) goes out, they put on some jeans, head to a bar, down a couple of ciders and smash a burger with all the toppings (I’m talking beetroot, egg, pineapple) and then watched a local talented duo bust some great tunes.

So who would you rather be? The polli or the giraffe feeder??

My next career aspiration. 

Bottom line, anyone who wants to retire at the age of 55 and have unlimited funds for the remainder of their lives can.

But nobody wants to.

Because we all like a giraffe and a cider here and there.