When you gotta go…

If you haven’t already begun to notice from my other posts… I have a crazy weak bladder. And drinking between two and four litres of water a day does not help this. (Side note: Drink lots of water. It’s good for you.)

Basically, not only do I have to pee every hour, but when I have to pee, I have to pee. There’s no holding it in, or waiting to come across the toilets, or waiting until there is a vacant cubicle.

There is only squatting, using the men’s (just to clarify, I use the cubicles in the men’s. Not the urinals) and legging it down long corridors in shopping malls like a marathon walker whilst clutching my crotch. I always think whilst watching a walking marathon (not that I do this on a regular basis… seriously, who does?) that they really do look like they are just busting to pee.

I used to try to be as discreet as possible. But there has just been too many circumstances and wet underwear for me to try to hold anything in. I generally manage it now by just going to the toilet every time I walk past one. Hence why it takes me 45 minutes to walk past a strip of porterloos. Or I think ahead a lot. If I’m going somewhere where there will be no accessible toilet for over half an hour, I don’t drink any water. It’s a frustrating situation, in general though.

And yesterday, I came across a super awkward situation. I was out drinking and trying to find my ride home (ok a yiros. I was trying to find a yiros.) and I suddenly had to pee.

Usually I would have gone before I left the bar, but the line-up for the women’s was huge, as usual. I really don’t know what girls do in there. They always seem to take ages. Shouldn’t take more then a minute, no matter how big a vagina is.

And last time I used a men’s bathroom at a bar, I got kicked out. Despite trying to convince the bouncer that I was dyslexic and he was guilty of discrimination. Although come to think about it; if I was on my way out, I probably would have had nothing to lose here. In fact it would have been handy to have an escort to the front door.

But anyways, I just left but was waiting so long for my ride and was absolutely busting. There was no one around, so I squatted and started peeing. (Yes I am aware that I am 30, but I’m also single and childless, so go figure)

I looked up and had two police officers hovering over me. It was so awkward. They asked me to get up straight away. But seriously, what could I do? I was mid-stream. My weak bladder did not allow me to control my stream. I couldn’t stop. They kept asking me to get up and asking if I was seriously going to continue.

I had to blurt out that I couldn’t do much about the situation and talked my way out of a ticket, when I eventually managed to get up. I blamed the discriminatory bouncers and the women with giant vagina’s.

It did not help that they were both attractive, and I went to high school with one of them.

That’s how small Adelaide is.

I really do think that considering how long the average woman takes in a bathroom, there should be an express, in and out in 30 seconds cubicle. Or you should be able to register for some “weak bladder privilege” card, and be able to skip the cue.

I have faked a pregnancy before in order to get to the front of a line. No one says no to a pregnant lady. And the fact that it was at the Big Day Out is pretty impressive. It helped that all the alcohol I had drank made me super bloated. But either I was great at acting sober, or everyone else was too drunk to notice the difference. Probably the latter….

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