I’ll tell you why.

Heard this ad today on the radio:

“Why do all the locals love Westborough IGA? Is it because of the fresh bread that is baked daily? Or is it because of the variety in fruit and vegetables……….?”

And it went on and on about all the reasons that the locals may have loved this grocery store.

I’m pretty sure the locals love the Westborough IGA because its local. 

I don’t know that they would love driving an hour away for fresh bread that they could get from any other store (*cough* bakery). And if its an IGA, we all know its overpriced and there are very limited options but super convenient opening hours.

And this is also why it’s only the locals that love the place.

It would be much more unique and appealing advertisement if they could say “Why do all the people that don’t live within a 5km radius love Westborough IGA?”

Because that would make me continue to listen to the ad. It would make me wonder why these people that live far from this store are going that extra mile.

Maybe its because of the fresh bread that is baked daily? Or is it because of the variety in fruit and vegetables?

Ok. Thats my thought for the day. Goodnight all.

Just give us plates.

Just give us plates. Are you kidding me. That’s what I was watching on the news this morning. There was actually a story based on consumer demand for plates for their food when eating out as opposed to boards and all the other fancy stuff that is happening.

If this is what we are complaining about, how many people out there with nothing better to do must there be. This has got to top it for first world problems.

“I wanted to eat my lobster quinoa kale deconstructed risotto of a ceramic plate. Not a chopping board. Not a tile. Not a mirror. Just a plate.”

Is the wood adding a timber flavour to your kale?

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“I don’t eat of chopping boards. I don’t even chop off them. Thats what Butler Jo does. Let us go to the press!”

Who even has the luxury of focusing on things like this. Im too busy worrying about whether they charge me extra if I ask to replace the sundried tomato with my fresh tomato, rather then what its served on.

This might be the start of something. Look out on trip advisor for rating allocations for food, service, value, atmosphere, plating.

Although, to be honest. The fancy plating may be behind the extremely high costs of eating out these days. And that is newsworthy. But all the people who have the time to complain about it in the first place, are probably quite financially well off with nothing better to do.

Maybe there should be on the menu different price points for paper plates, ceramic plates, boards or diamond crusted china ware.

Ok, at the end of the day, none of this matters. I could come up with a lot more issues that businesses need to address before the plates they are serving.

And the Business is..

My business. Dog Day Care. Because I can tell you right now i’d much rather be dishing out great customer service to dogs as opposed to people. Dogs appreciate it. Dogs acknowledge people and they get over everything so damn quick. If its too cold, they will still eat it. If its dirty, they will still use it and if you swear at them, they will just lick you to death.

And also, I love dogs. So much.

But heres the thing. I only like the big ones. Like, its not like I hate small dogs. Its more small dog owners that annoy me. Its like the smaller the dog, the more precious it is. And the more attention they deserve, and the more human they are apparently. They eat at the table, get their nails done and go on holidays all the time.

But bigger dogs are way more fun, show way more affection and are just so full of life. So now I’m torn. Because I would love for my day care to only be for big dogs. I could have a weight minimum of say, 20kg. If i do this, I know that I would bring over a lot of big dogs that are currently at other day cares where they have to tip toe around the little poodle, shitzu, maltesers who are yapping at nothing. And the owners who accuse the owners of the great dane of stepping on their Jack Russels face, when in fact it was provoked to begin with.

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I know because my innocent baby, Doofa got it all the time. He may have stepped on a few Jack Russels in his time, or jumped a few random people. But at the end of the day, he wouldn’t hurt a fly. Ok actually thats a lie. He used to chase flies around the house and eat them. Saved me quiet a bit on Morton.

But if I do this, there is a LOT of business that I am missing out on as well. Because lets be real. Its the little dog owners that have all the money.

So, I will have to think about where I want to go with this. But it will happen. And mine will be a lot cheaper then others. Maybe ill charge by the weight. The less they weigh, the higher the price. I can blame it on the tax system or something.

And the name…. Tails Wag Inn. Get it? Tails Wagging…. Im on to something here!

Lesbehonest….

I swear that every time I shower at work, there is a lesbian there getting ready at the same time. The same one. I go to start getting changed and it’s always around the time that she is finishing up. So you would look at her, and she’s already showered. Hairs done, shoes on ready to go. But somehow she just spends an extra half hour loitering around while I am undressing, showering and re-dressing. I mean, lesbehonest. She could have left the minute I walked in.

Because the minute I’m fully clothed again, she is done and she walks out. I did think for a while that it was just a coincidence. We have a lot of attractive members here, and I am not one of them. I mean, im not bad, but there are a lot of younger good looking women at my club. I really doubted that I would be worth sticking around for when there is such a great selection of bodies to perve on. Bodies that don’t dry themselves on Little Mermaid towels, or have hairstyles resembling a lions mane. Bodies that are much more shaven then mine (and im not just talking legs), and whose feet aren’t the size of Shreks.

Like, she could perve on someone like this, below.

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But it seriously keeps happening, im wondering if it is no coincidence, and this lesbian just really likes my body. Or if im just the best option for that time of day to get a look at (more likely. I train early in the day. As do a lot of older people. And lesbians apparently.)

But at the end of the day, it’s ok.

If 10 minutes of getting a sneak peek at my naked self every day is what gives a stranger something to look forward to, then I’ll cop it.

After all, no one else is seeing it. Except my neighbours who cannot be happy that I never close my blinds and walk through the house naked everyday. (I can’t be certain the teenage sons are disappointed about it). But I figure, if they don’t’ like it then they don’t have to look. And if they do…..well tell your friends.

Im still single.

Ok. Take the Tissues.

So I’ve just learned that the person who took the sticky taped box of tissues off my desk was a Class Instructor. And the reason was that she took them (wait. Ripped. She ripped them off my desk) was because a participant in her class had a stroke.

And I found this out, after distributing a threatening email to all staff regarding the disappearance of my tissues and the repercussions should it happen again.

The email:

Hey Team,

Someone has taken a box of tissues from my desk. This is theft. It happened so many times that I had to tape the box to my desk. And now it’s happened again. I don’t know of any situation that justifies using so much force as to rip the entire box that has several layers of tape across it, right off my desk. I know I usually joke about things but this has made me really sad. And additionally, in my sadness, I have no tissues for my tears.

Just please stop it. It’s bullying.

Thanks Guys

So yes. I do feel guilty. So guilty that I’m in tears. Lucky I have some chux on stand-by.

But it goes to show, that tissues should always be available in the same spot so we know where to go when we need one. How were we to know that a member was going to have a stroke (although to be fair, we did let a 73 year old into an intense cycle class. So ok, slightly predictable).

Don’t take my tissues.

Ok so, I have this issue with people not putting things back where they get them from. Especially if it’s not yours and you are borrowing it from someone else. Seriously. Take what you need, then put it back. I’ve had to label everything that’s on my desk at work. Not that it’s a big issue if it goes missing. I do the ordering. And as you know, I hate looking for things, so if it’s not there when I need it, I’ll just order another one. When you’re under valued in your work place, it’s easy to not care about expenditures. There’s a big tip for any business owners. Look after your employees. They may not be able to control their hours, or salary, but there are a lot of things that they do control that are more important than you think.

If I cared enough about the company I worked for to get up and search for the things that keep disappearing from my desk, then I probably would have saved them a pair of scissors and a stapler per month. Over 5 years. Calculate that.

Anyway, my biggest thing right now is that my tissue box keeps getting taken from my desk. Firstly, if you need a tissue, take ONE. Not the whole damn box. But seriously, if you take it, put it back. It keeps happening, so I decided to tape the box top my desk. I thought this was a really clever tactic. I am aware that sticky tape won’t necessarily prevent someone from physically removing the box. But, my thinking was that it was a clear sign that the box stays where it is. Surely that should work yes?

For nine days it worked. Nine days, and the box suddenly disappears again. That is just so mean. I was so upset. I made everyone aware of how angry I was and they all quizzed me as to why.

Why? Because the thing is, you need to know where tissues are.

When you want a tissue, you need it then and there. No one wonders around and thinks to themselves ‘I feel like my nose may start to run soon. Maybe I’ll start looking around for a tissue now’.

When you need a tissue, you need a tissue. Not a hanky, not a towel, not a chux. A tissue. You can’t detect a leak in your coffee cup. You can’t know when you nose is going to run. And no matter how pre-menstrual you may be, you cannot predict an emotional breakdown.  I can see where it looked like that last sentence was going towards the paper-tissues-2-ply-standard-box-case-of-24suggestion that you use tissues to assist with your cycle. Or a chux. Just to clarify, that is not what I meant. Although, to be fair, if another colleague has taken tampons from my desk it may come to that.

Just don’t take my tissues.

Fact: Ghosting is a crime.

I did mention in a previous post that I applied for the police force. This is true. It was a few years back and it was a long process. So many forms to be completed. I had to do so much research about my own life. But I got there, 22 pages and 19 days later, I submitted my application.

I really thought I had a good shot. My Personal Training history showed I was fit. I had no criminal history (as should most people to be honest. So I don’t know that I can actually use this as a positive). I was 28 years old, so obviously had life experience as well. The only thing I was worried about was the fact that I had actually lost my license four times.

Ok, in my defence, they were all mild offences. Those ones that people brag about getting let off for. But seriously, don’t you always hear stories from others, about that time they got pulled over without a seatbelt. But the cop was like, at the end of his shift, and in a good mood, and said he was only going to give a warning. That never happened to me. And the amount of times I got pulled over, you would think that at least once, I would get a warning. But this didn’t happen. And I also do speed a lot. But its ‘safe speeding’. Like its only ever 20km/ph over the limit, when desperate housewives has started (remember when downloading was not a thing) and to overtake someone who does not understand the concept of ‘keep left unless overtaking’ (all of Adelaide. Seriously). I did ring in before my application and advised them of this. They told me that it would not be an issue, as long as there is no DUI.

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Which there has not been.

I’m always too busy dancing when I’m drunk to worry about anything else.

So, I got a call regarding my application and was asked to come in for an interview. I was so excited. I went in with a great attitude. I was working in hospitality at the time, and hating life. It was going so well, and then this happened.

Police Officer “Can you explain to me what ghosting is?”

And before I continue… see below

 

 

So, I have gotten into the habit of doing this myself. For fun. Seriously, try it because it is really fun, and challenging.

And basically, I was doing this when I was out one night. I had some cops pass by on horses, while I was mid ghost. They pulled me and my ghostee up and asked the girl if she knew me, to which she responded no. They then questioned me, and asked for my drivers license. I didn’t think much of it.

But turns out, its a strike against my name! I had to explain to the officer what ghosting was and why I was doing it. My only response was “to make people laugh”. And for this reason, they suggested I was not ready to be a police officer.

I’ve lost my license four times. Speeding kills! Ghosting is harmless. But apparently a serious offence.

So, I have refrained from ghosting, and drink driving. I still speed. Because seems that wont affect me, should I decide to apply for the force again in the near future.

They have it all. But do they?

When I say rich people, I don’t meant those who work hard. I mean those who have grown up, always being well off and never having come across any scenario where money was an issue. Kids who have grown up getting everything they want, those who marry into rich families and have never worked a day in their life.

I guess this is mainly because my mum struggled a lot when we grew up. She was basically looking after four girls all by herself. Try doing that, and studying full time to get a masters in Psychology. Yea… exactly. No thanks! Most single parents at least have other relatives to rely on as well. But not mum. Life was difficult and thats why she is my inspiration.

She did an amazing job. And I had a great childhood. But we got used to not being spoiled. If we went out to the shops, we knew we were not getting any ice cream. If we wanted a branded top, we knew we were getting the k-mart equivalent (side note. K-mart is one of my favourite places in the world. Im sure ill blog about this later). I grew up with hand me downs and cream cheese sandwiches. So yes, I hated all the kids who had everything. Who got to have lunch orders and got to the canteen everyday. Who had the latest nikes and a ripcurl pencil case. Who had a mother and a father at home. Who’s parents had 4wd’s and dogs. Who went to the movies all the time, and out to dinner. And on holidays and family trips.

Let me just clarify here. I was a happy child. But our idea of getting super spoiled was being taken to the beach and having chips and nutella sandwiches (don’t knock it until you try it). I wasn’t sad at the time, but it makes me sad now when i remember how excited i used to get when my cousins were visiting (who are obviously well off) and we would go to the mall and I would get ice cream. It made the decision of what flavour to go for very difficult! But it sure made my day.

So, I hate them (not my cousins). Rich people who have not earned their status.

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I guess in a way I am envious of them, but I feel sorry for them as well. They have it so easy and are missing out on so many experiences by having everything come to them so easily as well.

Their creativity would be terrible. Because they never have to think or make any decisions. When money is not an issue who cares?

Like, what do they talk about over their almond milk extra shot macchiatos?

They don’t think about how much bigger and more serious other issues can actually be.

And I really do think that there are a lot of things they purchase that are not really necessary.

I mean, I LOVE dogs, but I don’t know that tiny maltese poodles deserve to be groomed for a whole day. What on earth could that dog have possibly done to justify a day of luxury? Did it lick it’s genitals so much that its tongue got tired? Did it take so long patting down the bean bag with their paws that their legs hurt?

And first class. Don’t even get me started! Yes its amazing. But the difference in fares is so ridiculous. Do they know that if they can tolerate a little less personal space and sitting up for five hours, they could then also fund a new school in a third world country as well? Whats scary, is that I’m pretty sure they do. But they don’t think like that. They think about comfort, appearance, reputation and their luggage coming out first on the belt.

Not that they would even collect their luggage. Surely if you can afford first class, you are also catching a limousine from the airport, in which case the driver is greeting you at the gate and collecting your luggage. It really shouldn’t come out first. The driver probably isn’t even paying for parking. Whats the rush? And the rich passengers can’t be in a hurry to get anywhere because unlike the rest of the passengers, they would have  purchased the flight that was at the most convenient time for them. Not the cheapest. Meanwhile the coach passengers who have to be at a wedding in two hours and got the cheapest fare have to wait for their luggage, and hail a cab.

 

But seriously, heres what I do.

17I am a Customer Service Manager at a large health club. Thats it. Thats all your get. Because I do not want to get sued or hit up by today tonight if I happen to mention the oh so dodgy things that occur. But also because we have over 3000 members, and Adelaide is small. So there is a chance that one of you is a member and will know exactly who I am should i continue on to tell you just how good I am at Customer Service.

I do feel bad about it. Its no ones fault that I don’t enjoy my job. I like the people I work with, and that gets me through. But I don’t care that a clock needs new batteries, or a sink in the change room is blocked, or a class has started five minutes late. I probably would care if i was happily married, financially stable and passionate about providing good service. But the problem is, that I’m none of these things.

When someone tells me the paper towels need to be re-stocked, my response in my head is ‘once I’ve found my husband, I’ll be sure to re-fill the paper towels for you’.

And it does not help that I’m dealing with people who constantly want to put their memberships on hold because they are either having babies or going on holidays, or too busy having a career.

I hate that so many people are in these situations, and I am not. I’ve gotten into the bad habit of comparing myself to others. If women tell me they are pregnant, I always check their age and it makes me so sad when they are younger then me, and married and living it up in a luxury house as well (I might add here, that I work in a classy suburb as well).

This does not make me sound like a good person does it. But in all honesty, I really am. I feel like I’ve just had enough. Enough of life dishing out all the good stuff to some people and all the not so good stuff (I won’t say bad, because there are people in some terrible situations out there in the world) to others. Like, hello…mix it up a bit. Give someone who’s had a bad run of events something to smile about. Like just a cash cow win or something would suffice. And give someone who seems to have it all something not so great, like maybe diabetes or something.

I really do want to make people smile. I should mention that I don’t particularly hate customer service, but the company I work for as well does not encourage me to go above and beyond at all. When there is no rewards or recognition, and consistent monitoring and tracking of budgets and stats, it drives you a bit mad. To be honest, its more of an incentive to not work so hard and use my time to play pranks on other employees (like encouraging my reception team NEVER to smash down cardboard boxes that I could potentially jump out of in order to scare members). That’s not all I do. I also apply for other jobs and spend a lot of time researching for my new business idea.

To finish off, another reason I think i don’t like my role, is that I just don’t like people who are well off. Rich people annoy me. For many many reasons.

Ill explain this next time!

So heres what I do.

So it may be of use for you all to know what I actually do for work right now. Just because I plan to whinge and discuss my everyday encounters with all the splendid and not so splendid people in this world. I work at a gym. No I am not a Personal Trainer. Partly because of my alcohol problem, but also because I’m not an arrogant, mirror loving, protein hungry twat.

My opinion of Personal Trainers is not based on the fact that two of my ex’s happen to be PTs (ok that might make me a bit bias, but its not the whole reason). Its more so based on the fact that I’ve worked at a large chain, across several clubs and nine out of 10 of these PT’s are just that of my description.

And I may have been one of them earlier in life. I did the course (which mind you, is 8 weeks long and like $5000. Thats it. 8 weeks, then off you go. Go play with people backs and post natal women and athletes quads). It’s funny, because not once in the eight weeks do they mention uploading copious amounts of selfies whilst training and constantly updating your facebook status to make it clear to everyone that you are at the gym. And not once do they mention how insecure the job can actually be, financially. So after the course I realised I was not a sales person. That’s all they are. Sales people. Who diet every second day, have cheat days on every other day and talk reps and pre-workout all day everyday.

Which leads me into the next role, the membership consultant. I am also not one of these. These money hungry, dodgy, lying, manipulating gym junkies. They work for the reputation and the free memberships. They thrive on sales and rewards and the only way to achieve the highest result possible is to make up new rules to every possible joiner who may enter the gym. Theres never ‘one day only’ or ‘joining fees’. If they quote you a price, it will be available all day every day. And what they won’t tell you are all the things you need to know once you are a member. Like how to use a treadmill. Or where the change rooms are.

Its similar to the Personal Training Course. They don’t tell you what you need to know once you re actually a qualified trainer. That you never ever have job security. That you have to pay ridiculous fees to work out of a gym. That you have to work for free for pretty much a whole year before you begin to earn any money. And not even then will you have job security. Once you join a gym, we forget all about you. If you don’t train, we don’t care. If you go away for 6 months, or break your leg, we don’t care. You still pay. And you must pay for 12 whole months. Not once will a membership consultant mention this.

Listen to me whinge and I have not even told you my role yet!

Ive gone on enough for today. So to be continued… Because I need to get dinner on!