Don’t hate us because we’re beautiful

Queensland.

“Open the borders,” all the other states say.

“Let us in,” they demand.

“We’ve opened ours, you open yours.”

“It’s not fair.”

Hold up folks. Firstly, no one asked you to open your borders.

However, Thank You. For opening your borders.

We are so happy we can now cross over to your regions, so nice and icy this time of year, full of zero theme parks, rocky beaches, dark waters, grey skies and tiny motels.

We are so happy you’ve agreed to share these features with us.

Before you go hating on Ms Palashack or however you spell it (relax. I don’t have to know. I’m no longer a journalist), perhaps consider the fact that if Queensland opens for business, everyone comes. From NSW, WA, SA, VIC, TAS…. EVERYONE.

Whereas when NSW opened for business, ain’t no corona ridden folks running in from interstate to holiday there this time of year. Am I right?

So close your borders on us if you like. Watch us not be phased at all if you decide to lock out Queenslanders only from your state. No skin of our nose.

Side note. I actually do want the borders to open so I can see my family and our tourism flourishes. Especially on the Sunshine Coast. But I just thought this was a valid argument not yet been raised by anyone.

Drinking and distancing

As COVID restrictions are easing up around the country, each state is setting their own rules, stages and boundaries which is fair enough. 

In South Australia, restaurants and cafés can seat 10 people in their venues. And serve them food and drink, obviously. 

But. They are not allowed to serve alcohol.

Why?

Because apparently, there are concerns regarding one’s ability to social distance while under the influence.

First of all, did we forget all these restaurants and café’s are licensed to serve alcohol. In other words, capable of identifying when someone is smashed, and therefore cutting them off accordingly – and with glee and satisfaction in my experience behind a bar. 

And second. Are SA are basically admitting drunk people are too handsy? Because I’m not sure they should be able to have alcohol ever, if it’s likely to result in appropriate touching.

Are they saying it’s ok to touch a stranger when you get maggot and lose your senses, as long as there is no chance of contracting a virus?

Hmmm. Ok then.

A classified disaster

You may all already know this, but I’ve only heard it for the first time. And if you didn’t know, brace yourself for some very unnatural and inhumane behaviour.

Apparently some bloke in Germany killed a man and ate him. Legit. 

It wasn’t a stranger- at the time of the death anyways. They had been together for five years and met when the edible one answered a personal ad in the paper.

Thing is, this advertisement in the newspaper literally read “well-built 18- to 30-year-old to be slaughtered and then consumed.”

Wasn’t there a classified taking employee who wondered if this perhaps shouldn’t be printed?

How did that not get flagged? What was the ad below it?

Lover eater.

And why did this man respond to it? What are the chances someone could be so crazy to make such a request, yet alone have someone even crazier respond to it. With eagerness no doubt.

Almost makes me wonder whether its worth placing an ad which reads “Male or female of any age with one million dollars to hand over all their money and then walk away.”

Too bad the one bloke crazy enough to respond to such a request was eaten.

Take off at Coles

Advice for the single ladies…

Thanks to COVID-19, thousands of people are out of their regular work and into new roles – whatever they can get basically.

Which means, there are Pilots stacking shelves at Coles.

Which means, it’s time to delete Tinder, if you haven’t already after your last virtual date ended by slamming your laptop shut and finishing that bottle of wine with The Notebook wondering why a Noah is yet to appear on our iPhones.

Back to my point. Pilots are stacking shelves at Coles. Single and sexy no doubt, and vulnerable in mourning their recent stand-down. So perhaps throw some lippy on when you go out for eggs next. And be especially chatty and flirtatious when enquiring about a product. From 1.5 meters of course.

Actually, even if he’s not a pilot, he’s probably still better than anyone on any dating app.

Red carpet for Home Owners only.

And so it begins.

Once you’ve signed that rental agreement, you’re nobody. They’ve got you now. They don’t care about the moving process, what’s working and what’s not, what’s on and what’s off, electricity, gas, plumbing.

You work it out.

You’re problem now.

We have more important people to spend our time with. Like home owners who provide most of our income.

Commission based no doubt.

“I don’t know if the electricity at the property is on or off.”

Well brilliant. Will you find out or shall we continue to guess things?

“I don’t know if I want to pay the bond anymore.”

“I don’t know if I want to maintain the lawn.”

Sadly for me, the guessing game doesn’t work. I’d get evicted if I didn’t pay it.

Anyways, just one more reason life is unfair.

I hope there some nice property managers out there who like to help people. Rather then just sip on martini’s from their private Olympic sized pools while their butler brushes their hair.

I know you’re not getting any additional money for helping but how about warm fuzzy feelings obtained from being a genuine human being.

I feel like I’m not asking much. Just acknowledge the tenant. Make our lives easier because you can. It shouldn’t take a pay check to be a decent human being.

Rant over.

And apologies to the nice property managers. Or Manager. Singular.

Also, where are you and can you be my landlord?

Let the wars begin

I just filled up my tank for $36.

Turns out instability in the wake of COVID-19 has sparked an oil price war between major suppliers Saudi Arabia and Russia. The disagreement began over questions around a supply response given dwindling global demand.

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So my question.

Which countries have to have a disagreement for us to get cheap wi-fi? Or for alcohol prices to drop?

Or how about coffee? If South America get mad at Africa, can I get a latte for $2?

Just wondering.

I do hope they resolve it. But in the meantime I know my dog appreciates the extended car trips.

Sco Mo is not a creep. Your followers are.

We’ve all heard about this COVID-19 app the Government is urging Australians to download. And we’ve all heard from those who are hesitating.

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“It’s an invasion of privacy.”

“There is no security.”

“It’s scary the Government will know my whereabouts.”

Yes, you say this. But let’s be honest. It’s highly likely you have about 40 apps on your phone currently. Of those, there would be location services switched on (hello, Uber and Tinder) and there would be personal data you’ve inputted. There’s apps which require your bank details, hobbies, heart rate, occupation, height, interests, marital status…heck women will even tell our phones when we are menstruating. This info is all stored on apps which share the data to who knows.

And then there’s Social Media, where we’ve got hundreds, even thousands of “friends.” Never mind you’ve never met these people, yet why not post photos of your exact location – with or without a top on – as well as the status of your unborn child.

If anyone is going to know where you are, probably best that it is the Government. And I highly doubt Scott Morrison is sitting in his office in Parliament House tracking individual Australians locations for the sake of…what?

Exactly.

Also, I feel like they should make all phone carriers provide free storage upgrades so we can get the app. Especially considering 80 per cent of the world are using Tik Tok.

 

 

Scrubs for days

I know it’s considered good hygiene to give your hands a thorough wash after you’ve been to the bathroom.  But sometimes, there are women I’ve seen in public washrooms who will really really scrub. I’m talking, at the sink for a good five minutes, lathering from fingertip to the elbow and really rubbing the soap in.

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When I see this, there are three questions I’m thinking.

  1. What exactly were they doing in the bathroom?
  2. Where on, (or in…cringe) their body were they wiping exactly?
  3. How dirty can a person be down there?

But seriously. Was there some sort of explosion or exchange of fluids all the other women in the restroom somehow missed?

Anyways. Some questions are best unanswered.

So I don’t ask, because I think these are a good example of that.

Folau strikes again

No doubt you’ve all heard by now about Israel Folau’s comments – linking Australia’s bushfires to same sex marriage and abortion.

The former rugby star claims the country’s recent natural disasters are an act of God, who is punishing us for same sex marriage and abortion.

So let’s get this straight Israel.

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You think God has thought “Hmm, it’s not ok for two people who love each other to have a wedding.” BUSHFIRE. GO!

Yet when there are serial killers out there and terrorists, God has just let those acts slide?

Right. Ok then. You think what you like, and we’ll think what we like.

But perhaps you should think what you like just to yourself and not in front of cameras.

Because you sound like an idiot.

 

Hitler’s ex??

On last night’s Bachelor, contestant Chelsie introduced Matt to her family. When he left the room, she went on about how great he was.

Her exact words “He lets me talk.”

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It’s secret Chelsie had her heart broken in the past. She’s brought it up enough times, but was she dating a dictator?

Honey, you can talk when you like. All men let women talk. How else would arguments start? And divorces happen?